Get a Grip. It’s Just a Tit.

How society went from revering nipples to policing them like they’re Class A drugs.

Breastfeeding is natural. So is biting someone who tells you to cover up. So is sneezing. So is farting. So is crying into a packet of lentil crisps at 2AM because the hummus betrayed you. Nature doesn’t care about modesty — only humans do, and even then, only selectively. A tit on Instagram in a push-up bra? Empowerment. A tit feeding a baby on the bus? Public indecency.

We’ve sexualised the nipple so hard that the moment it does its original job (you know, feeding a human) society short-circuits like it’s seen Satan in a crop top. Breasts didn’t evolve for Callum’s viewing pleasure. Your cave nan wasn’t breastfeeding behind a rock. She was doing it so her baby didn’t die. And yet we are the only mammal expected to nurse like we’re applying for a job at Vogue for Virgins. If it’s not a sex object, it’s a scandal, which tells you everything about the gaze, and nothing about the breast.

Exhibit A: Man discovers breastfeeding exists and combusts on a bus.

Let me tell you about a bus in Manchester, a man, a mother, and the worst covert op since someone tried to shoplift a watermelon in skinny jeans. He was filming a woman breastfeeding her baby (denied it, obviously) like a toddler with crumbs on his face swearing he never touched the biscuit. Then he said he had a right to film her because he was white and she wasn’t. The audacity? Ah yes, Clause 17 of the Misogyny Constitution: thou may record tits freely, so long as thou is pale and entirely deluded.

Thankfully, the men around her backed her, which we’ll now mark annually as Common Sense Thursday. But still, imagine feeling violated by a woman feeding her child, and thinking you’re the victim. The nipple’s not the problem. Your entitlement is.

“It’s not appropriate to do that in public,” they cry, while scrolling shirtless gym bros and thirst traps on the train. What do they want? Velvet booths? Tit butlers? Some women say it too, trained by years of being told breasts are sacred only when they’re selling shampoo or sex. But being uncomfortable isn’t the same as being endangered. You’ll live. The baby won’t if it skips a feed. Breastfeeding is legal in public. It’s not a debate. If a nipple mid-feed unsettles you, maybe reflect on why you can watch Love Island but panic at a plugged-in baby.

Let’s consult our old friend: biology. Not BuzzFeed biology. Actual nature. Breasts evolved to feed children, not attract the kind of man who refers to himself as an “alpha” on Hinge. The male gaze wasn’t part of the evolutionary blueprint. Imagine if lions policed lioness nipples mid-hunt — “Sorry Sharon, your teats are a distraction.” Human breast milk literally changes based on the baby’s needs. Your protein shake could never.

Dolphins breastfeed in full view. Gorillas don’t accessorise with shawls. The only species offended by a nursing mother is the one that invented Hooters and then had the nerve to shame lactation. We’ve taken the breast (a lullaby in glandular form) and turned it into a porn prop, then punished it when it dared to feed someone. The same people who chant “natural parenting” go feral at the sight of a live nipple. Evolution didn’t come to the PTA meeting. Your comfort wasn’t on the agenda.

It’s not just awkward glances. It’s harassment. Filming. Assault. Violence. Most women who don’t breastfeed in public aren’t being “considerate”, they’re scared. When you’re feeding your child and someone points a camera at you, you’re not a mum anymore. You’re a target. We tell women to stay inside for their safety, then tell them to “get back to normal” three days after birth.

Imagine nursing while scanning for threats like you’re in a Call of Duty map, one eye on your baby, one on your potential attacker. “Cover up.” “Have some decency.” “Keep it private.” The only thing indecent here is your entitlement. If feeding a baby offends you, your morality has nipples on backwards. The real danger isn’t the breast, it’s what people do when they think it’s theirs to regulate. We treat mothers like a public threat. But the nipple isn’t the weapon. The lens is.

Breastfeeding is apparently “too much” for public space… because nothing screams societal collapse like a baby eating. Meanwhile, mullets thrive. Crypto bros roam free. Ed Sheeran has sex scenes. But a mother nursing? Too provocative. Men walk around shirtless in heatwaves and no one bats an eye, but the second there’s a nipple with a purpose, it’s a national emergency.

Breasts are fine when they’re selling burgers or balancing beer. But the moment they serve someone else (a literal child) they’re blasphemy. Baby formula gets billboard space. But actual feeding? God forbid. If eating a sandwich in public required a modesty tent, the outrage would end within hours. We’ve confused feeding with flashing. You don’t have to like it. You just have to walk past it. Breasts aren’t on display. They’re on duty.

So yes. Breastfeeding is natural. So is biting someone who tells you to cover up. It’s not indecency: it’s biology, bravery, and a splash of breast milk on a Zara blouse. She’s not doing it for attention. She’s doing it so her child doesn’t scream like a fire alarm in aisle 3. To the women who feed on benches, buses, park swings, coffee shops, and anywhere else survival calls — I salute you.

The gaze must adapt. Not the mother. And if you’re still offended, may your next flat white be made from oat milk and internalised misogyny. She’s not flashing you. She’s sustaining someone. Like Deliveroo, but warmer and with nipples. If it disturbs you, look away. If you film it, rot. If you support it, speak up. Because covering up shame has never been women’s job — and definitely not while holding a baby.