This was a powerful piece. And I saw myself in it. Specifically in the ways I’ve tried to tie my story into a neat little bow of how his abuse was a catalyst for personal growth. But the truth is even though I have moved on, and it’s been many years, I am struggling with the health issues you describe here, and I know it’s in part due to the remnants of those years that are still stuck in my bones. Even so, I think we forgive, not to absolve them, but to free ourselves from the choke hold they’ve had over us. The forgiveness is for us. Not them. Thank you for this. I love the way you write and the fire behind your words.
I work in this field and have never seen such a well written, powerful piece. Thank you! I told my story many years ago; it’s been sitting in my drafts here for a month. This is the push I need to put it out there again!
While I write down this comment, I am actually crying. Not a DV victim, but a SA one, happened on my first relationship when I was still a teenager. My first ever contact with love was abuse and it wrecked me forever. To this day, I still see myself repeating the same pattern and erasing myself and my feelings so that I can be palatable to the people I love: family, friends, love interests, and it sucks. So yeah, I felt every word you wrote here. I know where these words came from.
Thank you for this text. Please, never stop writing.
This was a wonderful read and spoke very deep to a part of me where I was trying to mold myself into something I'm not, just to keep someone else feeling comfortable because they said they are " sorry" before going back to doing it again in four days.
I haven’t even gotten through the beginning of it and I’m already sobbing
“Women who were spat on, then told to be kind. Women who were handed scripture instead of justice. Told that holding on to rage would sour their souls. As if the rage wasn’t earned. As if the wound was the woman’s to resolve. As if trauma is a mess only she should mop up, barefoot and smiling.”
Scripture instead of justice, as if the rage wasn’t earned
I’ll come back and comment once I finish it but just reading that healed something in me.
I’m going to have to sit with this one for a while.
I read it with shaking breath, through eyes blurred by tears and gasping sobs that came from a gaping ache in the center of my chest; visceral and physically painful.
Forgiveness is a massive wound for me. I had spirituality and religion used against me to justify abuse and keep me trapped. People still only want to hear your story if you’re healed. If you can say, but look what I made grow out of it. Like the fact that I have persisted and still found beauty somehow makes it okay that I went through unspeakably traumatic experiences.
I don’t want to forgive him, and I’ve carried shame around that. Thank you for helping me release some of that.
Also I love that you have such an inclusive list of resources for victims. I try to do the same but I didn’t have the bandwidth to find so many. Definitely need to correct that.
This was so good that my soul is aching, but I also feel seen, and I’m grateful for your advocacy. 🩵
I’m so glad this article made you feel seen and understood. It’s always horrid to find out that someone understands this feeling because it’s one we should never be put in the corner to experience. Some experiences are unforgettable and unforgivable, and I hope you know you are supported (by me + likely many other women on here!)💗
P.s. Please feel free to just copy and page the resources! And if you see me post any others in future articles, just use them if you want😁
I understand completely. I want to apologize when people say that my writing my resonated with them for that reason. Grateful I helped someone feel seen, so sorry they went through the same thing.
Your support means so much to me, and I hope you know that it is mutual!! Truly, I’m so grateful for my community.
Also thank you!! I appreciate that so much. I found a search engine that you can enter your country/region into and it will generate a local list of resources. I shared it in my last post if you want to copy it!! I’m all for pooling resources 🙌🏻🫶🏻
Beautifully put... I too refuse to forgive... 10 years and i still hate his guts... Fuck him. He had no right to do what he did... And neither did whomever hurt you. Healing has no timeframe... It's each person in their own time.
My ex put me through a lotttt of shit which drove me crazy for a bit before I toughed up and went no contact. Then a year after going no contact, I see a $4 charge on my Prime video for a movie I never rented but looked suspiciously like something my ex would watched. I called Amazon and confirmed it was him, fully kicked him off my shit and got my money back but it TRIGGERED TF outta me — especially since I was going through some health issues at the time related to him and he already owed me $850 that I’d accepted I’d never see again, so that was just the icing on the cake.
One of my friends asked for his number to text him from a fake number and insult him which she did and sent me screenshots of their brief but hilarious conversation. And it made me feel better! It made me laugh, cause fuck that guy.
Then 2 of my other friends had the audacity to basically insinuate that was childish, I should’ve left it in the past, that it wasn’t a big deal and it just shows that I still care….. ???
Fuck that. Nobody has the right to tell me what to do with my pain and my anger. If forgiveness works for them? Fine. Good for them. But for me? To hell with forgiveness! And I hope more girls and women learn that it’s okay to be pissed the fuck off. It’s okay to feel anger. It’s okay if they can’t can’t forgive shit because some shit really is unforgivable, and its up to each individual to discern what falls under that category and not feel shamed by it.
I’ve been the girl who folded her fury into apology shapes. Who called her survival “growth” to make others comfortable. No more. Let the unforgiven things become the fire that lights what comes next.
This was such a powerful piece. I personally don't know anyone who's been abused because I have a very tiny social circle, but I have witnessed it. I remember one time when my mom and I witnessed an argument between a couple that resulted in the bf storming away and the gf fighting back tears. We asked if she was all right, and all she basically told us was that everything was all right. Bringing the truth to light can be very difficult, but things can also be very difficult when women do come out with that truth. Sadly, there are people who think women should just endure the abuse or they are the ones to blame. Forgiveness should only be given to those who deserve it.
1. Forgiveness is for you, not them. "I forgive you" doesn't mean they walk back into your life and resume where you left off. It means you no longer look at them with the intent to kill, maim, or destroy. You have finally gotten to a place where you understand who they are and why they did what they did. You let go of that caustic rage that reminds you to keep looking at why a wound occurred. You've learned. And I say this as a man, who is, according to you, allowed my fury. That rage is caustic, even to us. Rage is caustic to all humans. But it serves a purpose, it reminds us where to look for wounds we haven't yet effectively prevented from happening again.
"I forgive you" can happen even if you never tell them. It can happen even if you never speak to them again. Forgiveness is for you, and you alone. It is a way for YOU to move on, rather than stay mired in emotions that slowly dissolve you.
2. The only 'principled' form of fury is wrath. And wrath in the sense of Exodus 33 (https://quietlywinningthesecond.substack.com/p/do-you-feel-rage-that-never-feels?r=5q331b for more). A wrath that is absolute, universal, and divine. No man looks at another man who is angry and says "hell yea brother, stay pissed". That's caustic, to everyone and everything. That is not part of male culture. Whatever men you've been around, they suck. That is NOT news to you.
3. To expand on forgiveness. The pattern is something like: 1) you forgive them (they don't have to know). 2) they repent (actual repentance, actually admitting fault, actually making amends, if possible) 3) (if you choose to) reconciliation (you let them back in, when it is clear they have changed who they are at a deep level, can explain why they changed, how they changed, and that is backed up with months to years of evidence that it isn't more lies).
Most of the churches I grew up in sucked at explaining that forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. Whether that is malice, incompetence, or oversight, I cannot say.
====
I write all this because I spent over 30 years not understanding what forgiveness actually was. For people who hurt me in life-changing ways. That anger you carry IS caustic, and it IS destroying you. You can forgive them, at your own pace, and move on, without having to let yourself be re-injured. I will write a stack, in the future, about this, and tag you. I will only speak to stories in my own life, I won't attempt to re-write yours.
This was a powerful piece. And I saw myself in it. Specifically in the ways I’ve tried to tie my story into a neat little bow of how his abuse was a catalyst for personal growth. But the truth is even though I have moved on, and it’s been many years, I am struggling with the health issues you describe here, and I know it’s in part due to the remnants of those years that are still stuck in my bones. Even so, I think we forgive, not to absolve them, but to free ourselves from the choke hold they’ve had over us. The forgiveness is for us. Not them. Thank you for this. I love the way you write and the fire behind your words.
I work in this field and have never seen such a well written, powerful piece. Thank you! I told my story many years ago; it’s been sitting in my drafts here for a month. This is the push I need to put it out there again!
While I write down this comment, I am actually crying. Not a DV victim, but a SA one, happened on my first relationship when I was still a teenager. My first ever contact with love was abuse and it wrecked me forever. To this day, I still see myself repeating the same pattern and erasing myself and my feelings so that I can be palatable to the people I love: family, friends, love interests, and it sucks. So yeah, I felt every word you wrote here. I know where these words came from.
Thank you for this text. Please, never stop writing.
"Forgiveness is not a virtue. It's a tax." Damn. So powerful!!!!
This was a wonderful read and spoke very deep to a part of me where I was trying to mold myself into something I'm not, just to keep someone else feeling comfortable because they said they are " sorry" before going back to doing it again in four days.
I haven’t even gotten through the beginning of it and I’m already sobbing
“Women who were spat on, then told to be kind. Women who were handed scripture instead of justice. Told that holding on to rage would sour their souls. As if the rage wasn’t earned. As if the wound was the woman’s to resolve. As if trauma is a mess only she should mop up, barefoot and smiling.”
Scripture instead of justice, as if the rage wasn’t earned
I’ll come back and comment once I finish it but just reading that healed something in me.
I’m going to have to sit with this one for a while.
I read it with shaking breath, through eyes blurred by tears and gasping sobs that came from a gaping ache in the center of my chest; visceral and physically painful.
Forgiveness is a massive wound for me. I had spirituality and religion used against me to justify abuse and keep me trapped. People still only want to hear your story if you’re healed. If you can say, but look what I made grow out of it. Like the fact that I have persisted and still found beauty somehow makes it okay that I went through unspeakably traumatic experiences.
I don’t want to forgive him, and I’ve carried shame around that. Thank you for helping me release some of that.
Also I love that you have such an inclusive list of resources for victims. I try to do the same but I didn’t have the bandwidth to find so many. Definitely need to correct that.
This was so good that my soul is aching, but I also feel seen, and I’m grateful for your advocacy. 🩵
I’m so glad this article made you feel seen and understood. It’s always horrid to find out that someone understands this feeling because it’s one we should never be put in the corner to experience. Some experiences are unforgettable and unforgivable, and I hope you know you are supported (by me + likely many other women on here!)💗
P.s. Please feel free to just copy and page the resources! And if you see me post any others in future articles, just use them if you want😁
I understand completely. I want to apologize when people say that my writing my resonated with them for that reason. Grateful I helped someone feel seen, so sorry they went through the same thing.
Your support means so much to me, and I hope you know that it is mutual!! Truly, I’m so grateful for my community.
Also thank you!! I appreciate that so much. I found a search engine that you can enter your country/region into and it will generate a local list of resources. I shared it in my last post if you want to copy it!! I’m all for pooling resources 🙌🏻🫶🏻
Beautifully put... I too refuse to forgive... 10 years and i still hate his guts... Fuck him. He had no right to do what he did... And neither did whomever hurt you. Healing has no timeframe... It's each person in their own time.
Love this! This reeallly resonates with me.
My ex put me through a lotttt of shit which drove me crazy for a bit before I toughed up and went no contact. Then a year after going no contact, I see a $4 charge on my Prime video for a movie I never rented but looked suspiciously like something my ex would watched. I called Amazon and confirmed it was him, fully kicked him off my shit and got my money back but it TRIGGERED TF outta me — especially since I was going through some health issues at the time related to him and he already owed me $850 that I’d accepted I’d never see again, so that was just the icing on the cake.
One of my friends asked for his number to text him from a fake number and insult him which she did and sent me screenshots of their brief but hilarious conversation. And it made me feel better! It made me laugh, cause fuck that guy.
Then 2 of my other friends had the audacity to basically insinuate that was childish, I should’ve left it in the past, that it wasn’t a big deal and it just shows that I still care….. ???
Fuck that. Nobody has the right to tell me what to do with my pain and my anger. If forgiveness works for them? Fine. Good for them. But for me? To hell with forgiveness! And I hope more girls and women learn that it’s okay to be pissed the fuck off. It’s okay to feel anger. It’s okay if they can’t can’t forgive shit because some shit really is unforgivable, and its up to each individual to discern what falls under that category and not feel shamed by it.
👍👍👍👍👍
I’ve been the girl who folded her fury into apology shapes. Who called her survival “growth” to make others comfortable. No more. Let the unforgiven things become the fire that lights what comes next.
Powerful. Thank you! ☺️
Thank you
A strong and important message, I feel the weight of you truth here…so many of us can relate, thank you for speaking up for us Jessica
This resonates so deeply. Thank you. Thank you for eloquently making me feel seen. Thank you 🖤
This was such a powerful piece. I personally don't know anyone who's been abused because I have a very tiny social circle, but I have witnessed it. I remember one time when my mom and I witnessed an argument between a couple that resulted in the bf storming away and the gf fighting back tears. We asked if she was all right, and all she basically told us was that everything was all right. Bringing the truth to light can be very difficult, but things can also be very difficult when women do come out with that truth. Sadly, there are people who think women should just endure the abuse or they are the ones to blame. Forgiveness should only be given to those who deserve it.
1. Forgiveness is for you, not them. "I forgive you" doesn't mean they walk back into your life and resume where you left off. It means you no longer look at them with the intent to kill, maim, or destroy. You have finally gotten to a place where you understand who they are and why they did what they did. You let go of that caustic rage that reminds you to keep looking at why a wound occurred. You've learned. And I say this as a man, who is, according to you, allowed my fury. That rage is caustic, even to us. Rage is caustic to all humans. But it serves a purpose, it reminds us where to look for wounds we haven't yet effectively prevented from happening again.
"I forgive you" can happen even if you never tell them. It can happen even if you never speak to them again. Forgiveness is for you, and you alone. It is a way for YOU to move on, rather than stay mired in emotions that slowly dissolve you.
2. The only 'principled' form of fury is wrath. And wrath in the sense of Exodus 33 (https://quietlywinningthesecond.substack.com/p/do-you-feel-rage-that-never-feels?r=5q331b for more). A wrath that is absolute, universal, and divine. No man looks at another man who is angry and says "hell yea brother, stay pissed". That's caustic, to everyone and everything. That is not part of male culture. Whatever men you've been around, they suck. That is NOT news to you.
3. To expand on forgiveness. The pattern is something like: 1) you forgive them (they don't have to know). 2) they repent (actual repentance, actually admitting fault, actually making amends, if possible) 3) (if you choose to) reconciliation (you let them back in, when it is clear they have changed who they are at a deep level, can explain why they changed, how they changed, and that is backed up with months to years of evidence that it isn't more lies).
Most of the churches I grew up in sucked at explaining that forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. Whether that is malice, incompetence, or oversight, I cannot say.
====
I write all this because I spent over 30 years not understanding what forgiveness actually was. For people who hurt me in life-changing ways. That anger you carry IS caustic, and it IS destroying you. You can forgive them, at your own pace, and move on, without having to let yourself be re-injured. I will write a stack, in the future, about this, and tag you. I will only speak to stories in my own life, I won't attempt to re-write yours.