The Muse, The Mistress, But Never the Wife

Men don’t lose good women... they let them go. And then they regret it.

I was sitting in a bar a few months ago, sipping my overpriced drink and trying to mind my own business, when I overheard a group of lads having one of the worst conversations I have ever subjected my ears to.

It started with one of them (let’s call him Ryan because, of course, his name was Ryan) showing a picture of some woman on his phone to the group.

"Fit, though, isn’t she?" he said, passing the phone around like it was some great discovery instead of an actual human being with a pulse.

"Yeah, mate, unreal," another one nodded, scrolling through more of her pictures. "But, you know... not really relationship material."

Processing his sixth red flag in under 3 minutes like it’s a TED Talk.

"Yeah, yeah, 100%," Ryan agreed, nodding along like a bobblehead. "Like, she’s top tier, but you wouldn’t wife her."

And I? I snapped.

"Sorry, what exactly makes her unworthy of being 'wifed'?" I interrupted, turning my chair toward them. Their eyes widened in unison, as if they had been caught committing tax fraud (I wouldn’t blame them if it was this… tax the rich).

Ryan laughed nervously, shifting in his seat. "I mean, you know... she’s just... one of those girls."

"One of what girls?"

Silence. CRICKETS. I watched their tiny little brains spin like a buffering YouTube video.

"Like, she’s hot. But you know how some girls are just... for fun? And others are like... girlfriend material?"

I could feel my soul trying to leave my body.

Because there it was, the unspoken rule of male desire, presented in its rawest, dumbest form.

The Woman Men Want, But Never Keep

There is a specific type of woman who exists in this world… admired, desired, obsessed over, but never chosen. She is romanticised but never prioritised. She is worshipped in words but not in action. She is the muse, the fantasy, the “one that got away”—but never the one men actually build a life with.

She is too beautiful to be real, too exciting to be stable, too much to be handled.

And so, instead of stepping up, instead of actually trying to keep her, they keep her as a concept. They talk about her, they miss her, they tell their next girlfriend about her in ways that will haunt her for years.

But they do not keep her.

And the worst part? They think this is a compliment.

Men Don’t Always Want The Women They Desire

This woman is idolised, but not invested in. She is fantasised about, but never secured. Because the truth is, men don’t always want the women they desire. They want the woman who makes their life easier.

She is the one they write sad little love songs about (see: The 1975’s entire discography). The one they message at 2AM years later, despite being married. The one they tell their therapist about, except they don’t actually go to therapy, so they tell the bartender instead.

And do you know why?

Because she required effort. And effort is inconvenient.

I repeat: EFFORT is INCONVENIENT.

Leaving a situationship like: 'Don’t worry, you’ll miss me in 3… 2…'

Men will cry about losing these women. They will stalk their social media, send nostalgic texts at 2AM, write poetry (I’ve heard of this happening before… a modern-day Walt Whitman), make sad little confessions to their mates over pints. They will say, "She was the best thing that ever happened to me."

But did they treat her like she was the best thing?

No.

Because they never planned to keep her.

She was always meant to be a beautiful interlude, never the final chapter.

The "Too Much" Myth

This woman is often labelled "too much."

• Too independent.

• Too intense.

• Too ambitious.

• Too emotional.

• Too aware of her own worth.

She expects too much respect, too much consistency, too much effort. (Translation: she expects the bare minimum, but men have tricked themselves into thinking that’s a huge request.)

And because of this, they don’t feel like men around her. She doesn’t need saving. She doesn’t need fixing. She doesn’t pretend to be less intelligent, less opinionated, or less self-sufficient just to accommodate their fragile egos.

So, they choose someone else.

Someone softer, quieter, easier.

The Woman They Choose Instead

The woman they do keep? She is not necessarily better. She is just more willing to shrink herself.

She does not require growth from them. She does not demand accountability. She does not ask for the kind of love that requires self-awareness and maturity.

And that’s why she is the safe option.

Men think they are choosing peace, but really, they are just choosing a mirror that reflects back their own comfort. They don’t want to step up, evolve, or risk failure. They want the illusion of love without the challenge of becoming a better partner.

The woman they keep is not necessarily the one they love the most. She is the one they feel most entitled to. The one who makes their world easier, not richer.

And Then, The Regret Comes

Oh, and let’s not forget the regret.

Because it always comes.

The exes who resurface. The men who send nostalgic messages years later. The ones who "randomly" like your old photos (we see you, Paul, and it’s embarrassing).

They always come back. Not because they want a second chance, but because they finally realise what they lost.

“Awwwwww… that’s crazy.” – Me, scrolling past his apology like it’s spam.

They get older, and suddenly, the life they built feels hollow.

• They chose the convenient woman, not the right woman.

• They chose stability over passion.

• They chose predictability over growth.

And the irony? The woman they couldn’t keep is now living a life beyond their reach.

She did not wait to be chosen. She did not shrink to become more palatable.

She built herself.

And that is why they can never have her again.

To Every Woman Who Has Been Desired But Not Kept

If you have ever been idolised but never prioritised, know this: it was never about you.

It was about them.

They were too small for you. They were too afraid to love you fully. They were too unprepared to meet you where you stood.

And they knew it.

So, they let you go.

And one day (if not already) they will regret it.

And you?

You won’t even care.